A Story Of Devastation.

 the following is something that i wrote in my journal a little over three years ago:

     These past two years, or perhaps even longer, I have been waiting and searching. Unable to come up with reasons for all my trials or answers to all my questions. I'm not quite sure how it is possible to let go of the past. At least not completely and entirely. There's always this flicker in the back of my mind of what once was. It lingers in when it is most unwelcome. Then it carries me away to times that are so hopelessly gone. I cry sometimes because I'm not quite sure how I got to where I am today. It's like I was standing at the top of a mountain, and a swift landslide captured my balance and I was dragged to the bottom. Faster than any train could take me to a different destination. At the bottom of the mountain I can see the sky so far out of reach, so endlessly vast and consuming. I seem to have lost my determination to touch the clouds. I've lost what it means to live with ardor and passion. There seems to be no reasons for times like this, or feelings like this. I met a person on the street today that told me that everyone's lives are the same. I ran home right away, and knelt beside my bed to pray. I prayed that this was not true. I asked God to let me live a different life, to break the mold. He did not answer back. But I'm still waiting for his reply. 
     This could just as easily be you speaking. You could just as simply be standing in my shoes. And if you were, I would hope you could find it in you to run away. Claim that there's hope along the horizon. Then go out and take hold of it. There are times when people will ask "How did you get like this?". I'll tell them a story of what I believe is the reason. It's an old story, everyone has one like it. A story of being young and believing in endless possibilities. Enjoying every twist, every turn. Until one turn leads you to a hellish place, where dreams don't become a reality, but nightmares rip through your life. And I think back and I'm sitting in a truck and my charming father is crying. It's an aching cry, that makes my eyes squirm in my head as they are flooded with tears. In an parking lot, where trees actually take up more space than automobiles. His voice is loud but shaking. He struggles through the syllables. I never knew someone could cry so hard. I can actually see his pain. His profound sorrow has taken on a physical manifestation. It lingers in the truck. It's suffocating. My emotional agony is so overwhelming that my body begins to hurt. I don't want to make it worse for him. My criticism and blame turn to sympathy and pity. Out of the ordeal I just wanted to make sense of it all. A sense of abandonment had left me not only lonely, but angry. I never realized the pain my father kept locked in his heart.        
     This was the one time I can truly say I felt alive. It was the dramatic urgency of human emotions that made me realize that I was alive. I couldn't look away from all of the torment and anguish that swelled and surged all around me like a wave. This was what changed me. I quickly became an adult after this day. How could I go home and watch cartoon's. How could I live as a child should, when I now recognized the world as a dark hollow place. Toys now would not suffice, they would not and could not make me happy. After my realization that life was not a fairytale, and was indeed a heartbreaking journey, I tried anything to fill up the void. Moved far away. Lived a life that I considered worth living. But the many nights with different boys, intoxicated and blacked out, left me wasted and empty. I was at the bottom of the rock wall with no harness. And now I'm trying get a tight enough grip on the rocks so that I can pull myself back up the sky.

now: these words still hold some truth to how i feel about my parents divorce. i'm not sure it truly ever gets easier to deal with. i think the pain is still there, i'm still bleeding below the surface but i am able to think about it less. sometimes though, i realize that my mother still hasn't figured out life without my dad (though, i'm not sure that she ever had life figured out with him) and i feel sad and angry, both for her and at her. i still sink into depression sometimes when i think about my fractured family. i still tend to push away my stepmother because there are still issues i haven't sorted out with my own parents. i still have anger that my dad decided to move on, though, it is his right to be happy. My father and i do get along a lot better now, but i will always remember listening to my mother cry herself to sleep, nearly every night for two years. i guess, i will never understand divorce and hopefully, will never have to go through one. i'm sorry if i sound like i'm residing in self-pity land or if my rambling has begun to bore you...but i thought i would post something about an issue that still haunts me despite times promise to heal all wounds.


THANK YOU TO ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS ALL THE WAY THROUGH AND IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING, I FEEL FOR YOU.


PIECE,
   CAKE

Across The Universe

     Wouldn't the world be so lovely if balloons fluttered around our skies daily, yet didn't harm the environment or animal life. Each of us could mark a piece of paper with a hopeful saying, a warm greeting or a silly joke, place it inside a balloon, step outside our front door and send that good little piece of us out into the world. That little balloon would then begin its journey. It would float and spin through the air above our heads, over our houses, down alley's and across lakes, eventually someone, a stranger, would feel a slight tickle on their shoulder and would turn to see that beautiful balloon. They would take it in their arms, hug it tightly till it popped and out would pour our little note. They would chuckle at our humor, smile at our salutation or be eased by our optimistic expression. That little balloon would make their day, and someone's little balloon would make our day. Imagine how happy everyone would be. The feeling of seeing those balloons would compare to how special we feel on our birthday's, except it would be like everyday was everyone's birthday. Oh, how my brain does wander through the clouds some days...

Wish Making.

There's this saying that goes something like this "IF YOU CAN WISH IT YOU CAN HAVE IT"...I might have totally butchered the wording but the meaning remains the same. I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. I have many dreams that I wish to make realities but waiver in my belief of myself. Sometimes I am the most confident girl on the block and at other times I want to crawl into a hole and hide away from the world. I have insecurities just like everyone else....but my biggest wish of all is to work through them and discover the me I want to be. Some say if you think positively about yourself and your future all good things will come to you and a beautiful life will fall into place. Fingers crossed.

xo- Cake

24 @ 24

     So, I've got goals. 24 to be exact. Seems like quite a lot of goals but I have my entire 24th year of life to reach 'em! Wish me luck!

1. Finish my AA & begin working on my Bachelor's

2. Get a B.A.

3. Figure out a career path for myself (once and for all!)

4. Make & sell my original artwork

5. Get a passport (so I can eventually go to France!)

6. Stick to a workout regimen to tone up buns & thighs 

7. Purchase an old school camera (black & white photo's)

8. Learn French

9. Pay off debt

10. Finish my collage book

11. Buy & learn how to use a sewing machine

12. Volunteer at an animal shelter (OFTEN)

13. Organize my belongings (stop hoarding things I don't need, heehee)

14. Get movie star white teeth

15. Pay it forward (as much as possible)

16. Get a bicycle!

17. Read 10 books

18. Learn yoga

19. Stop drinking soda

20. Keep up to date with my blog

21. Go to a Boston Celtic's game!

22. Begin writing my novel

23. Take a singing lesson

24. Get my first tattoo (script on rib cage)

Best in Film!

Films are an oddity that allow us to escape our own realities and enter another world. 

     Sometimes that world is terrifyingly scary, sometimes sweet, sometimes hilarious and sometimes that world is so interesting that we bring it back to our world and what we experienced in that alternate universe lingers in our minds and hearts forever. I have a deep love for many films but the following are the top twenty movies that I watch over & over again and adore more & more every time.

Closer

The Wizard Of Oz

Mystic River

Superbad

Get Him To The Greek

Pineapple Express

 Step Brother's

Beauty & The Beast

Dirty Love

Elf

Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

The Hot Chick

Mean Girls

 The Dark Knight

The Notebook

The Hangover

 In The Name Of The Father

Despicable Me

Dinner For Schmucks

300

Honorable Mentions (since it's nearly impossible to narrrow it down to twenty):
Black Swan, A Bronx Tale, Knocked Up, Juno, Mr. Brooks, The Upside Of Anger, Edward Sissorhands, "Girl, Interrupted",  White Chicks, The House Bunny, Monster's Inc., Toy Story (1, 2 & 3), Wedding Crashers, Borat, Some Like It Hot, Walle, Kindergarten Cop, Zombieland, Clueless, & Easy A.


What are your favorite films?

Tatted up!

Hi there lovelies. 
Hope you are doing swell on this fine Saturday afternoon! 

My birthday is two weeks away and I've been racking my little brain for the perfect way to celebrate. I have been desperately dreaming of getting my first tattoo and have finally decided that my birthday is the day to do it! I'm getting a quote that means a lot to me inked on my ribcage. I've always thought rib tattoo's were incredibly sexy, as well as, easy to hide in case I ever meet the pope. I've pierced just about everything on my body that you can pierce and then removed the majority of them. So, since I change my mind like I change my underwear.... I've put off getting a tattoo in fear that I may wake up the day after wishing I hadn't gone through with it. However, I am now fully devoted to this tattoo, no takesies-backsies! I have heard that tattoo's are like Pringles in the sense that...once you pop you can't stop........but I will restrain myself from ending up like this...(though, Kat Von D totally pulls it off).

New Day, New Way

     So, I have relocated to California. I have been here about a month, settling in. My new location is absolutely beautiful, the ocean is literally my backyard. San Francisco is only a ten-minute drive up the highway. Endless possibilities at my fingertips. I'm still figuring out what I want for my life but I have managed to focus on making myself a better Aimee. I have quit smoking, been a hell of a lot more positive about my future and my talents. I feel like this move has helped me accomplish a peace of mind, despite everything not being perfect, I am clear headed and optimistic. I am devoting my new life to finding happiness through healthy, positive means. I want to pursue my aspirations as an artist. Although, I have never stopped drawing, painting, writing or creating, I have lacked in my motivation to put my work out there for others to experience (and hopefully enjoy). I love that California has allowed me to swing the doors of my inner-self wide open and in turn has given me the confidence to go for my dreams.

Moving Worries and Wonderment

It’s never easy to move. It’s always complicated and stressful. Don’t get me wrong…I am excited to relocate to California, but it’s bittersweet. I’m used to moving around, as I went here and there and everywhere during my adolescence.  I’ve lived in Florida for nearly six years now and I’ve sort of forgot what moving is like. My brother will be flying into Southwest Florida International Airport in a week. He’ll be accompanying me on the loooong (and dreaded) cross-country drive to California. We plan to leave Tuesday, April 26^th. The closer I come to my moving date the more anxious, sad, excited and scared I get. It’s hard to have all of these differing emotions going on inside of me, but I guess it’s normal. The list of things I will miss in Florida will be short. However, I am going to miss my boyfriend, Rich. Our aspirations for our lives are very different and it’s time to do our own things, in order for us to grow. However, it doesn’t make it any easier having to leave the life we had together. We have two cats, Buster  (my cat) and Smuckers (Rich’s cat), and he will be keeping them, since I’m not exactly sure what apartment I’ll be living in and I don’t know if they’ll accept cats. So, technically, I’ll be losing three loves of my life in this new adventure. Hopefully, if things go well, Rich will send me Buster, once I get settled.

I know I could prevent myself from feeling sad and anxious, simply by not making the move to California, but I know I will regret it if I don’t move. I pray everything works out. I just keep reciting the quote, “In the end everything will be okay, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end”.  So, here’s to hoping that a risk pays off with reward.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

      So, I've got kind of an obsession with mirrors. Not because I'm conceited and I like staring at myself all day, but because I like looking at them. Mirror's are just interesting. They come in so many shapes, sizes, designs and colors. They expose an alternate way of seeing the world.  Mirror's add dimension to a room, making the space open and endless. Mirror's are probably a strange item to love but I do, I do, I do.

     I'll be moving to California in less than a month and my brother and I will be getting an apartment together. I'm thrilled that I'll be able to decorate our place and I have so many ideas. I'll surely purchase a few mirrors to embellish our walls with. My boyfriend and I have lived together in his house for over four years. He never discouraged me from adorning his home with my artistic flare but it never seemed appropriate to move around his furniture and start drilling holes in his walls to hang my paintings and portraits.

     Now, I'm heading off to California. My boyfriend and I will no longer be an item. This is both a sad and needed truth. I love him very much but we want very different things in life. I'm ready for adventures and risks. He's content with stability and routine. I grew up moving around the U.S., I've called many places home and have never been a fan of staying in one place for too long. Our relationship has carried on for nearly five years and since I love him so much I shunned my desire to travel and move around the way I always wanted. Now, I can no longer ignore my inherent traveling bone.

     When I hold a mirror up to my life it becomes quite obvious that I'm not in the fairest place of all. Southwest Florida, despite its sunny appeal, is a ecologically flat and economically deflated locale. There's nothing worthwhile to do here. Sure, the beach is right around the corner and the warm weather allows me to wear my cutest clothes year-round, but other than that there's no excitement. The population consists of the super-tan and the super-old. I am neither.

     I lived in California for nearly ten years and did the majority of my growing up there. There's no place that compares to the most western state in our union. It's plain beautiful. The bay area is brimming with diversity and creativity. & I cannot wait to hold up a mirror to my new home and see that it reflects who I am and who I want to be.

Me. In. A. Nutshell.

1. I'm extremely weird. I make myself laugh more than anyone else makes me laugh. It's just sad.

2. I am 5'11. A certified giant!

3. When I was little I had crushes on most of my dad's old friends. One of whom told me that he would marry me when I turned 18. He's like 65 now, sooo... I'll pass on that.

4. I love all genre's of music. I don't discriminate. My favorites are oldies. Especially the ones that make me feel happy inside, like, Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Guess Who, Dion and the Belmont's, Frank Sinatra, Neil Diamond, The Bee Gees, Blood, Sweat and Tears, and lots of 60's and 70's stuff. :)

5. I can run reallllly fast. Faster than you and your pet cheetah.

6. My celebrity crush is Clive Owen. ...Is it getting hot in here? Or is it just him?

7. I'm a huge hypochondriac. I always think there is something wrong with me. If I have a headache, I assume its a brain tumor. If I have a stomach ache, I assume I'm pregnant. If I get a pimple, I assume I have a flesh eating bacteria. It's a personal problem.

8. I've lived in California, Massachusetts, Colorado, Washington State and Florida & I have visited nearly all the other states or at least drove through them. I've got that traveling bone.

9. I love corn. :)

10. I love to draw, paint and make crafts.

11. I have dyed my hair every color in the crayon box.

12. I have designed a coffee table picture book made up of millions of cool pictures of scenery, fashion, people, color, animals, etc. that I would love to replicate and sell. It's pretty freaking rad.

13. I have kept a diary since my junior year in High School. The year of my parents divorce. I haven't deviated from writing in it...and I don't plan to stop writing about my life. I hope someday when I'm dead and gone my grandchildren can read them and relate or at least have some kind of insight into my life, who I was, and the era I grew up in.

14. I'm really good at Scrabble. It's my favorite board game.

15. I'm a Virgo and I believe that it does reveal my true nature.

16. I wish I was more religious. I do believe in God but I find it hard to keep the faith sometimes.

17. I love funny people. (i.e.: Chelsea Handler, Russell Brand, Vince Vaughn, George Carlin, Kathy Griffin) People who are extremely sarcastic and hilarious.

18. I miss my dog Bandit. May he rest in doggie peace.

19. When I witness someone else going through heartache, I truly believe that I can feel exactly what it would feel like to be in their shoes. I have the ability to honestly and completely empathize with people. Therefore, I cry a lot.

20. I want to travel the world. My dream places to visit would be: France (mainly Paris), New Zealand, and the UK.

21. I love to dance. I've attended hip-hop dance classes since I was 12 :)

22. I can rap to all of Ludacris' songs. ...What a talent right? My boyfriend thinks I sound like an angelic thug.

23. When I make lots of money (fingers crossed!) I want to donate substantial amounts of money to animal rights groups and animal shelters because I believe that animals should be protected and cared for just like any of us.

24. My favorite restaurant is Olive Garden. My boyfriend takes me there every Valentines Day, anniversary, and birthday. I will only order the Mixed Grill. Yuuumm!

25. Philosophy has increasingly become my favorite topic to talk and read about. I love anything that asks questions about why we are here, how we got here, and what the meaning of life is. My mind is mostly preoccupied with these thoughts anyways so it's wonderful to read some possible explanations. All I want are some answers, dammit.

To write or not to write...?

     There was a girl who lingered in her coursework for a major she's beginning to regret deciding on. She studies hard and learns a lot but she realizes she's become confused about her career path. I'm sure this happens to many college students and even college graduates. What's a girl to do? Switch it up...change majors? She could do that...but what if her true passion isn't necessarily economically sound?

     Writing has always been my passion. I remember when I was ten or eleven I would write short stories and a family friend, who happened to be an English professor would read them, edit them for grammar and structure, and then return them to me to revise. Though it may have seemed boring to other kids, I delighted in it. Writing, creating something in my imagination, putting it on paper, and having someone else enjoy it made me incredibly happy.

     Though I've grown up, I still revel in writing. Just now I must work and pay bills. I need to be mindful of what major will eventually make me money in the job market, especially now with this recession. Writers, at least the majority of them aren't rollin' in the Benjamin’s. Most self-employed writers are struggling financially while they eat Ramen Noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

    

     I mean, I guess I could be an English major and if I don't succeed as a novelist...I could always teach High School Literature.....aw, SHIT.

Debate Of Location, Location, Location.

     There’s a debate occurring in my head over where I will finish college, the two players have very different intentions. One argues my neediness to cling to what’s familiar; it declares my safety net of friends, family, well-known landscapes and an innocuous way of life. The second rebuts with quick-wit stating adventure, diversity, and unaccustomed experiences will lead me to a fulfilled existence. Which perspective do I side with, when they are both born of my own mind?

                                            

Debater #1: Massachusetts

     The state contends that it will offer an abundance of rekindled friendships and relationships with family members. It also proposes an array of Colonial history, vintage architecture, quaint landscapes, and an ample bounty of nostalgic relief.

Debater #2: California

     From this state, endless experience, excitement, freedom and variety could be rendered. The Bay Area is full of splendid sights, including the pacific ocean, the rolling hills and funky buildings. A fruitful and diverse population may burst my mind and soul wide open to a journey of learning, meeting interesting new friends and discovering unawakened dreams.

Then there’s me:

     I know that now is the time to decide. At twenty-three, I can take a risk. So quite possibly, Debater #1 can offer me a sense of safety and stability. However, Debater #2 has volunteered to give me fearlessness and experimentation and isn’t that was life is supposed to be about? Are we suppose to cling desperately to the same old routine or are we made to be bold and welcome change to run rampant through our lives? If my choice leaves me with regret, I can always make another choice, right? So, why not take a chance? I mean, time is going to go by and there’s going to come a time when I’m not going to want to bust a move, because I’ll be too old and I might break a hip. 

So…here’s to taking chances.